Diamond Jill, an Amusing Tale + "Die Frau als Heimtier," oder             des Auflebens Caveman - der wahren Mannen Auffassung

Einführung - Introduction

    To set the essay below within context (on the off chance it gets forwarded): of the women mathematical geniuses, Hypatia (AD 350/370 – 415) was the first and Emmy Noether (1882 – 1935) the greatest. Hypatia was a Greek scholar from Alexandria. She became entangled in local politics and did not fare well. She was brutally killed by a mob led by Peter the Reader, the first assistant of Bishop Cyril, an important saint.

    Fast forwarding 1,500 years, Emmy Noether got entangled in academic politics. The world had not become a gentler, kinder place, as the first World War occurred and the second was looming. However Emmy Noether fared somewhat better. The focus was not so much on murdering her, but rather on murdering her academic career.

    Taking a further 50 year step, one arrives at Rob Becker´s world renowned one-man comedy about differances between men and women, "Defending the Caveman." Over five million people from more than 20 countries have attended the show in 15 different languages. Below is our own modest contribution to "bridging the gap" between men and women. The order of the anecdotes in the blue title above is reversed. The second anecdote about Diamond Jill is again in English.

    Und wo ist die sympathische (und wie Lady Luck sympathethische) Frau, die das Gegenstück schreibt?

"Die Frau als Heimtier"

    Mangels artgerechter Haltung werden viele Männer mit ihren Frauen unzufrieden. Das Zusammenwohnen und die damit verbundene Arbeit (das dreimal täglich Gesprächführen) werden lästig. Aber wehe, er versucht sein Frauchen gegen ein anderes zu tauschen! Er kann sich ein blaues Wunder erleben. Die einst Heißgeliebte - "man´s best friend" - fletscht ihre Zähne, knurrt and wird angriffslustig. Manchmal beißt sie sogar zu und zerfleischt den armen Hausherrn.

    Das ist alles unnötig. Über hunderttausende von Jahren halten Familienoberhäupter Hausfrauen. Mit nur ein bißchen Vorsorge und liebvoller Behandlung werden sie treuherzige Lebensgefährtinnen, mit denen man viel Spaß haben kann. Es gibt sogar Frauengattungen, die sich zu nützlicher Arbeit dressieren lassen: die ausgebildete Putzfrau, die Such- und Rettungsfrau, die Polizeifrau, usw. In den Vereigneten Staaten werden sie gelegentlich sogar zu sehr gefürchteten Kampffrauen herangezüchtet. (Der Terminus technicus für sie ist "Scheidungsrechtsanwältin.")

    Das Alpha und Omega eines glücklichen Daseins mit der neu erworbenen Gattin besteht darin, sofort den richtigen Umgang zu finden. Viele begehen den Fehler, die neue Anschaffung übertrieben anzuhimmeln. Dadurch fällt der Herr und Meister aus seiner natürlichen Rolle in die des wesenlosen Minnedienstleistenden. Anschließend kann es so weit gehen, daß er nur mit Herablassung betrachtet wird. In Extremfall wird ihm nicht mehr blind gehorcht, spottet sie seiner sogar.

    Das Erfolgsgeheimnis ist bei den kleinen, unvermeidbaren Sünden sofort eine angemessene Strafe zu verhängen. Von Natur aus will jegliche weibliche Person dem männlichen Leitbild gefallen. Eben deshalb ist es völlig unnötig, sie zu verwalken, verwansen oder gar verbimsen. Man nimmt eine gerollte Zeitung und schlägt sie damit kräftig fünf- oder sechsmal auf den Po (nicht auf den Kopf) und das reicht. (Wenn ein knuspriges Babymädchen oder Auslandsmimoselein nach Hause gebracht wird, das noch nicht "sittenrein" ist, wird die konsequente Anwendung des Auf-den-Hintern-Hauens unabdingbar.  Die Vernachlässigung dessen kann unverrichteterdinge in einer Verhaltensstörung ausharren.)

    Nichtsdestowenigertrotz der wahre Haudegen achtet weder der Gefahr noch der Kosten. Er bedient sich eines weiblichen Wesens, um das Leben in vollen Zügen zu genießen. Wahrhaftig soll keiner der reizenden Gesellschaft der modernen, mondänen Frau entraten!

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Weil die gewünschte Schriftstellerin für die Gegenstellung sich nicht meldete, noch ein Bridges Beitrag:

Diamond Jill: "Men make good pets!"

    Diamond Jill is a one in a thousand girl, met, appropriately, at the turn of the millennium -- the summer of 2000. "Diamond Jill" (Indiana Jones, watch out!) was a doctoral (PhD) student at Berkeley, one of 17 admitted to her field from 500 applicants. She was in a joint program also to earn an LLD to become a civil rights attorney. She was pleased with her score on the logic section of the GRE (an admittance test for graduate school), 800 points out of 800. Very few mathematicians max the logic section, and she had not even been an engineering, physics or math major as an undergraduate.

    Diamond Jill was a shade over 6 ft. tall (1,84 m.), a former competitive swimmer and sometime professional modern dancer (great legs). "But that was when I danced 3 to 5 hours a day and could win auditions. Now I just dance a few hours a week for fun."

    She had had French in secondary school and college. As time passed, she became more interested in learning  Spanish. She was on a summer course in Barcelona to improve it. She had learned quite a bit traveling around Central America for six months, apparently passing through some pretty isolated places. For instance, a tribal village had been fascinated by her comb. Parents would send their children to borrow it and then spend hours combing their hair. They had never seen a comb before.

    When asked about her safety, she answered that had not been a problem. For a while she had travelled with her muscular 6ft. 4in. (1,92 m.) German boyfriend, whose Spanish was fluent. To get to one village, one had to take a ferry to cross a wide river with a strong current. There was not enough room on the small, over-crowded ferry for her man and herself. So she took off her shoes, tied them to her knapsack, tossed it onto the ferry, and swam across. The villagers were amazed.

    Once there, a large man of African descent, as big as her German, first got friendly with them, and then tried to rob them. He chased them into a local pub, attacking her man with a tree limb he had picked up in the street. She watched them fight. When the local fellow knocked her man down and started beating him with his makeshift club, she decided to intervene. She pulled a pistol out of her knapsack and aimed it at the thug´s head. But before she had a clean shot, he dropped the tree limb and ran away. "He must have been shot before. He reacted awfully fast."

    Apparently the thug was well-known for terrorizing the village when he was not preying on the occasional tourist. Afterwards virtually the entire village came to the pub to gape at this astonishing"river-swimming, man-battling" American Amazon.

    Diamond Jill reflected a bit. That was the only safety problem she had had. Fortunately her man´s size and muscles had otherwise kept him out of trouble. Therefore that had been the only time she had needed to rescue him. Besides, most of those six months she had travelled alone, so she wouldn´t have to worry about someone else.

    She continued that she had liked her man a lot. In fact, he was terrific. He was a physicist and proud of himself as a double threat: exceptional intelligence and a powerful athlete. Unfortunately she had badly hurt his feelings once when he was proudly explaining an article he had published in a physics journal to her. She had interrupted: "But why are you making it so difficult? Just re-name this complicated variable, see, like this, and then the differential equation is easy to solve."

    After this incident he had avoided intellectual conversations with her. Instead he had focused on athletic accomplishments and feats of daring do. That´s why she had waited so long to rescue him in the fight. She had been afraid it would be bad for his ego. Sure enough, the rest of the time he had accompanied her he had been depressed. He seemed to have lost all sense of self-worth. She sadly added that he had broken off travelling with her and disappeared from her life.

    She thought men were cute. They were fun to feed. She loved having one around, as they made her laugh. Finding a good one was not difficult. But once one got to know her better, he always seemed to move on. She did not see why. She just tried to help the man in her life out a little when he had trouble understanding something, or got into difficulties, say, in a business negotiation or a barroom brawl.